I am Alive

Wow, sorry but this has been an emotional and hard day for me today, so as I write this post I do apologise for my state of mind, as it is okay not being okay, if that means anything to you. Well lets start from the beginning shall we...

I had some dreams early morning and it have been these dreams that go progressively stranger as dreams go which has rocked my emotional world today. I am still shaking as I write this.

In the first dream, I found myself with some people by the sacred waters of the Venda people which is called Lake of Fundudzi. I have been there once before in 1987 many moons ago. I don't remember much of the lake but in my dream I was there again. It was dry, hardly any water. The people with me and myself started walking across the dry lake bed. I remember stopping and taking a photo with my cellphone to share later on the internet. As we got towards the other side, the people started wading through water. I didn't want to get wet so I decided to turn around and go back. On my way back, water started flowing back into the lake, so I hesitated. Should I run or wait till the rushing water calmed down? I decided to start moving through the rush of water for safety but as I was wading through the rushing water, I was eventually swept off my feet and found myself swimming for the bank. Thankfully I made it safely but was concerned about my wet phone.

Then came the next dream which somehow faded in. I think I was in Durban, a city from my past. We were finishing up some sort of show or something and I was in this small truck directing the route back home because I knew the city. In front was a much bigger horse and trailer truck. We came to these tunnels, now there are no tunnels for vehicles in Durban but in this dream there was 3 in each direction next to each other. The big truck in front of us got stuck and could not get through so had to turn around. I knew the way, either we go through one of these tunnels or drive across via another route which will take a bit longer. I was sure that our smaller truck would fit through but sadly we could not. A part of the entrance to the tunnel got damaged so while the person that was with me was negotiating with the tunnel authorities, I stood and watched from the side and this is when it all went down...

I felt a hand come round me on my right side. My wallet was in that pocket, thinking someone was trying to pickpocket me, I grabbed the hand and spun around. And I saw her, a woman with this big glowing smile on her familiar face, as she said in the voice that I instantly recognised, "I'm only messing with you". It was my late wife Carol. She looked different, the same yet different. Still not 100% sure I queried, "Carol?" And she replied, "Yes!" Stunned, I answered, "you are dead?" She answered me, "I am alive!" "But you are dead", I said for the second time and she replied the same "I am alive" and added "I told you that it would be alright." I then whipped out my cellphone and asked if I can take a photo. Trust me, this is what I do even in my dreams. Carol replied, "for your blog?", and I answered, "no for Matthew". While taking photos on my cellphone, I again noticed her broad smiling face. She looked so happy. Her hair was brown with silver necklaces around her neck, she never wore jewellery but Carol had a few around her neck. She wore this beautiful dress but it was her smile that caught my eye, her teeth was all fixed and she had this full smiling face. She looked so happy and beautiful.

I awoke suddenly, and just sat bewildered in bed, with emotions raging. What did just happen? The morning light was streaming through the blinds. I got up and walked through to the kitchen to make some coffee. While making the coffee I was thinking about these dreams. It was about 3 weeks ago that I sat in the car with Matthew, speaking to him about his mother, Carol, because Mother's Day was coming up and it would be his first Mother's Day without his mom. I remembered taking Matthew to the hospital on the last Mother's Day to visit his mom and then it dawned on me that it was nearly a year since she passed away. Not quite sure, I found myself sitting back in bed with my coffee, going through my blog to find out exactly when Carol past away and was blown away. It was today, this morning, 1 year ago to the date that Carol crossed over. And now this morning Carol decided to visit me in a dream to show me that she is home and is happy. 

I just sat in bed, emotionally blown away. Surely this was no residual memory. This was not a dream. Believe me I had to check my phone for the photos.

Memory of Carol

It was with trepidation that I walked into that God1st hall in Benoni. But suck it in buttercup, you here for the living, and I had to leave all that hurt and sorry at the door. Most of the people there haven't seen me for years, as I in my mind was the ogre but here I was at Carol's memorial. Some didn't even know that I was he. With sad fluttering butterflies in my stomach I stepped forward, putting on a brave face for Matthew, in loving memory of Carol.

There was many tears in the hall today, as people shared their fun yet sad anecdotes, then Matthew stepped up to the stage, and my heart proudly beated as he recollected flawlessly memories of his mother. I know he must have been butterflies but he stood tall for his mum as the memory of her will live in him.

Not a Good Place

I left early this morning, headed to Pretoria to pick up Matthew at his university res and I took him down to Boksburg to see Carol, his mother. Carol is not well and we got a message yesterday that she became critical condition and was hospitalised. 

We arrived at the hospital expecting the worse but thank God, Carol has stabilised. Although she can not talk nor has any ability to move much, Matthew spent the morning with his mom, just talking to her and playing with her hair. I feel she heard Matthew and turned her head towards him. She must have recognised Matthew and tried to speak. 

The doctors are not sure what happened to Carol as the CT scans show nothing abnormal. Currently the doctors are re-hydrating her in hope that she comes right by her self.

Matthew is trying to stay brave but deep down I can sense he is devastated. 

Benoni Toe

Well my ankle is worst today. The medicine takes half an hour to kick in and relief lasts about three hours then the pain slowly returns. Anyway, I headed off to Benoni on the East Rand to pick up Matthew barely coping with the clutch. In the evening we ended up at Craig's place were Matthew played the latest game to hit the market Forza 4 on the XBox while Craig and I worked on the Joburg Photowalkers website.

First Christmas Party

It is that time of year again. Our home cell celebrated their annual Christmas dinner with the usual style. A perfect time to practice my evening photography. I am going to post all the images on my Facebook album but in the meanwhile here is a lovely photo of Carol.

Parents Teachers One on One

Wow, work is starting to pour in from all sectors of the PRASA group and there is only me doing it. I can only hope that I do what needs to be done to the best of my ability and make them all happy. After this busy day I had to report to Matthew's school for Parents' Evening. This is where we can meet Matthew's teachers and discuss issues on a one to one basis. While waiting to see one of the teachers I snapped this photo of Carol with my Samsung Galaxy Spica.

Mai Ling

Yesterday while exploring the Ansteys Building, Mai Ling phoned. She and Uwe Jens arrived back into the county on Thursday. It was good seeing them again. Carol and Mai Ling will have some catching up to do before they leave in two months time.

Mother and Daughter

Hopefully Telkom can fix the DSL tomorrow as we can only answer their SMS tomorrow. Shannon, Darryl and family came round today and it was a good visit.

Teething Gautrain is still Cool

I have been on the newly launch Gautrain a number of times, my first trip being on 13 March 2010, I thought I would treat the family on a trip from Sandton to Rhodesfield and back. And I was not the only family who decided to ride the Gautrain today.

The Sandton ticket area of the Gautrain was packed to the rafters. I joined a queue to purchase our gold cards (tickets) while Carol who is disabled and cannot stand for long periods tried to find somewhere to sit. Eventually she had to ask one of the Gautrain personnel for a chair and was brought a white plastic patio chair. (Gautrain Please Note)

After about 45 minutes of standing in the queue Matthew wanted the toilet but was told that the toilets were on the other side of the barrier and needed a gold card to get in. Luckily it wasn't long after that, I made it to the front of the queue. I will pause here to ask Gautrain why do I have to purchase my three gold cards separately and not as one purchase? This would have shortened my time at the purchase point and that of the other families.

The escalators at Sandton were flying at a great speed which was a problem for Carol to get on but finally we arrived at the platform and did not have to wait very long for a train to arrive. Families with grannies and children were all excited and couldn't wait to board. Matthew managed to find seats for us but a number of people had to be sasified with standing room only. The journey itself was pleasant with our family discussing the differences between the Gautrain, Thalys and the TGV while we flew along the tracks. The main difference that we came up with was the width. The Gautrain felt much smaller and cramped than the European trains that we were used to.

Arriving at Rhodesfield in record time we disembarked and made our way off the platform to the concourse below on an escalator that was thankfully much slower. At the bottom we found many people also trying to purchase gold cards to spend a day in Sandton. The queues looked even longer than in Sandton that we decided not leave the concourse but turn around and head back to Sandton. After another short wait we were flying back.

Trying to leave Sandton Station we encountered our final hurdle. The gates wouldn't let us out because we had inefficient funds on our cards. What? We paid for a round trip to Rhodesfield and back at R52 (R21 one way plus R10 for the card). So we joined another queue of lots of frustrated families with the same problem. Here we expected to standing for an hour or more. Carol had to find a spot on the floor as there was no chairs this side. What had happened was that we should have gone out of the gates at Rhodesfield and back in but no one told us this so we were charged R100 as if we went to the airport. Majority of the commuters did just what we did and simply got off at Rhodesfield, went down to the concourse, went back up on the other side and waited for the train back. Because there was so many of us waiting in a queue to get this problem rectified, they simply let us out. A quick fix to what would have been another long wait.

This was to be a wonderful experience for the family but I don't think Gautrain was ready for hordes of people seeking their first ride on what had become their dream. But the dream is still alive because this is our train and we are proud of her, teething problems and all. As Matthew's T-shirt reads “Belgium is cool, I'm cool”, we say that the Gautrain is even cooler.

Concert at the Zoo

Johannesburg Zoo along with 702 host every year a Mother's Day Concert at the Zoo which we have been attending quite regularly. Rich Cock and the Johannesburg Festival Orchestra mix up a storm for the mothers and us daddies can relax while the kids run around. Here is Carol with Matthew enjoying the music.

A break in the Weather

The clouds have started to lift which means game drives. Jerome our driver and tracker did a wonderful job of catching up on the lost time yesterday. We saw Blue Wildebeest, Impala, Gemsbok, Giraffe, Kudu, Mountain Reedbuck, Ostrich, Red Hartebeest, Warthog, Waterbuck, White Rhino, and Zebra. Many babies were seen which means that it has been a bumper wet season. In today's photo we have Jerome, Carol, Hayley, Matthew, Angie, Gary and Braelyn. We ended the day under the stars in the boma around the campfire having a wonderful bushveld braai.

The Jacksons

With Ross leaving for 18 months to study in the States, BBC needed a replacement. So in steps Cia, Val and Ken from Cape Town, seen here talking with Carol. I would like to extend a big welcome to Ken and his family as they help with the shepherding of BBC while Ross is away.

Dinner with Friends

Our good Belgium friend Jackie invited us and some other friends over for dinner while our children were off at Kid’s Camp for the weekend. As usual we had a lovely time at Jackie's. From left to right are Jo, Carol, Clay, Rachael, Jackie, Bruce and Anne.

Monday Monday

This is the first Monday of the year and I am not back at work yet, I only need to report in the next Monday. Well another week to go. Here is Matthew and Carol trying a new way of practicing writing.

Friends

It is wonderful to spend time with friends and what occasion we had today at Saskia and Pauline's birthday bash. What would I do without good friends and today was just great time to jump into 2010 as Bernice, Myia, Saskia and Matthew showed us while Carol and Pauline look on in anticipation.

Happy New Year

The first day of 2010 has brought a dilemma for me. Do I say Twenty Ten or Two Thousand and Ten? I wonder if Julius, the ANC Youth leader will have something to say about it. Anyway we had a lovely family day of braaing and enjoying a lovely sunny day. Of course our two Italian Greyhounds loved the bones. In today’s photo is Lynette, Carol, Maxy, Matthew, Patch, Anthony and me.

You’ll never walk alone

It is 04:00 Sunday morning and our guests have just left after a wonderful evening, well morning as well, was had by all. I am half asleep while I am typing this so I have an excuse for how I am writing. Here is Saskia, Kevin and Carol towards the end of the dinner party, taken about an hour ago. As you can see in the photo Kevin is an ardent Liverpool supporter

My First ...

It is still raining and Carol and I didn’t want to leave our cozy room but what awaited us was some pampering that we could not miss. After breakfast we went for our first pampering consisting of a hand massage and manicure and later in the afternoon a pedicure. Guanta, the manager treated us like royalty. Martina and Louis in the meanwhile had arranged for Carol and I to write a love letter to each other which was to be presented at the dinner table. Here is Carol, my queen enjoying the garden during a few breaks in the weather.

Cyathea dregei

We went with the Mountain Club of South Africa for a hike and some climb training for the Youth to Hamerkop Kloof in the Magaliesburg Mountains. Because it was not going be a scramble like the last hike, Carol decided to join us; well she won’t be walking much tomorrow as she is already stiff and sore. Here is Carol with Steven who is 6 foot or just shy of 2m being dwarfed next to this very old South African Tree Fern (Cyathea dregei) and this wasn’t the tallest one there in the forest of tree ferns. We had a lovely day up in the mountains and the steep sided kloofs with the bubbling streams. It was like touching the beard of God.

Yeeha

Here is Carol, the proud grandmother of her third grandchild. It is a 50cm boy weighing in at 3.44kg. I don’t have a name yet but have my guesses what he will be called. Congratulations Kenneth and Simone on a healthy baby boy. At the same time the Blue Bulls (not my team but the only South African rugby team remaining) beat the Chiefs from New Zealand 61 – 17 in the Super 14 final. Yeeha!!!