Struggle in Life

It has been a struggle trying to get finances and life in order lately that I am somewhat failing as I am dropping the balls all around me. It has not been easy trying to make everyone around me happy and I have woefully falling short in all respects. It has always been only me against the world with me often retreating into this dark secret world that I created in my mind as an escape from reality only to come back to reality only to find my problems still there. "What are you thinking?" would come a question, and with a faraway look I would answer truthfully, "nothing"! Yet all the while I was lost somewhere in my mind.

I think this fear of dropping the ball started somewhere before I turned 10 years old. I remember as a young child I used to have this recurring nightmare while asleep at night. The nightmare was about a lot of small balls everywhere in this room and my late father was also in the dream shouting at me to pick them all up. As I started to pick the balls up, they started falling out of my arms. The more I picked up, the more kept falling out of my arms. It was an impossible task with my father darkly looming over me and I found myself so fearful with these tears streaming down my face. I eventually woke up screaming in terror and I generally find myself outside in the garden trying to climb into the neighbour’s yard to get away instead of being asleep peacefully in bed. Yes this recurring nightmare and the sleepwalking often went hand in hand.

To try solve the sleepwalking problem, my mom and stepdad removed the backdoor key from the lock and kept it on their bedside table only to have them find me standing next to their bed at night asleep. Surely finding next to their bed in the dead of the night must have given them such a fright. My parents told me later that when they found me at their bedside, they asked me what I wanted to which I had answered while still asleep was for the backdoor key. They just told me to go back to bed which I promptly did. Scary stuff we children had to go through.

I promised myself that my childhood would never be repeated to my child and yet I seem to fail. The upward struggle I find myself in, surely can’t be good for Matthew although he seems always content around me. Today I arranged for him to come to an interview at a new potential school down the road from me which I am sure that he would get a better chance of succeeding in life. I don’t want to be the father who chases his own lost dreams through his children. I just want him to succeed in his own dreams and be happy with life.

Matthew has about two months to decide if he wants to come live with me and go to this new school or stay where he is at his current one. But whatever he decides I will always love him and it is good to know that he doesn’t have the nightmares that I used to have. I am proud of my son with how he turned out as the road he has travelled on has not been easy and the rain has fallen hard but his spirit has not been dampened and his soul continues to soar high. One day, Matthew the road will rise up to meet your feet, the wind will be on your back and the storm will be over with a rainbow that stretches from horizon to horizon.