Thank goodness it is the weekend but it has been a busy day. Tomorrow Metrorail is having a Women’s Day function at the Ubuntu Kraal in Soweto. I have so much to finish before then and no time for rest. Here are few of the students who started this month at Metrorail. From left to right Brian, Thanyani, Mbulelo (behind), Mzwandile, Amukelani and Mamateboho.
Wow what heavy few weeks. Things are improving ever so slowly. It was good to just put my guard down today and relax with my colleagues at Metrorail. Here is José, Calvin and Masilo with some students enjoying a good laugh.
I am so tried today that I am struggling to do work. No energy but have so much to do. Metrorail Intranet merge by Friday, Woman's Day graphics by tomorrow, Healthbridge newsletter by Friday and Wetpaint website needs something to be shown to them. By ten ‘o clock I was finished. I better get my life sorted soon. I had to go to the fifth Floor today to get briefed on the Woman’s Day function this Saturday so here is Gloria, Siphokazi's personal assistant.
Johannesburg has been trashed again by the striking municipal workers. Things are getting better on the home front but the stress of it all is taking its toll. At our home cell group Francis and Emmelinah were feeling cold but I was falling asleep due to stress and simply the lack of sleep.
My mind keeps replying the events and the time leading up to them over and over again. It is making me so angry that I want to take matters into my own hands and not leave it up to God. Don’t get me wrong I feel that God is working in us and is turning things around but it is so hard. Beryl said I might be suffering from post traumatic stress and she might be right as I went shopping for supper at Pick ‘n Pay and found myself lost and just wanted to sit down right there in the fruit and veg section. My mind is like today’s photo, a mess. The Municipal Workers Union went on strike today for better wages and ended upturning all the rubbish bins.
The miracle that I have been holding onto has started happening. As in Psalm 145 I "… will tell of the power your awesome works" because God met me "… at the proper time." Today is also our Twelfth Wedding Anniversary and we popped in to see Carol's mom, then went to the Barnyard Theatre to see the "LM Radio – A Trip Down Memory Lane" show. LM Radio was a radio station based in Lourenço Marques, Moçambique from the 30s to the mid 70s and broadcasted into South Africa. Carol as a teenager used to tune in and listen to the pop and rock music that was not broadcasted on the government owned and operated stations at the time.
Well today is Day 11, Love Cherishes and it did not start well but I think the chance of a miracle has increase 10,000 fold by end of the day. God is moving and nothing is going to stop Him. We ended the day at Leon and Ursula's place to watch the Springboks beat the All Blacks at the start of the Tri-Nations.
I stayed at home today because it is not going well but I am trying to understand that love is unconditional. When our reasons for loving gradually disappear then the basis for love is over. BUT love CAN last a lifetime when it IS unconditional. In other words love is not determined by the being loved but by rather choosing to love. The flip side of this is when someone says that they have fallen out of love with their other half then they are actually saying that they never loved unconditionally. With all my faults what I want is that I am able to love unconditionally and I can't do it without the example God gave. Not easy words this but here goes.
The ICT department had our monthly meeting up in Pretoria again. Wits and Tshwane take turns to hosting the departmental meeting. So we caught the Tshwane Business Express to Pretoria. Before leaving I took the opportunity to chat to the driver and sit in the driver's seat of TBE1.
I am trying to keep busy to keep my mind off the things that have gone south. Why do I keep feeling that I am in a Kentucky shuffle? I had to pop into one of my clients after Metrorail this afternoon for some computer support. So here is Dave, my client and I am his computer support guy.
Wow it is getting harder and harder. I want to believe the best but what I am seeing it is not good. The further I try the more impossible it seems. I just cannot do this on my own. Back at Metrorail things are getting back to normal after last week’s bout of hay fever. Here is Theo explaining what next in his repairing of a PC. I wish relationships was as simple as this.
Monday, Day Six, has been bit of up and down emotionally but I am doing my best to get back to level flight. Matt my best may not be good enough but I am trying. Anyway work has being banging on my door for the last week or two so I need to start focusing on paying the bills. Here is Annah, our Admin lady in the ICT department at Metrorail. She is 29 weeks pregnant and already she is huge. I asked her if she is expecting twins and she jokingly reply more. Well many true words are said in jest.
Not successful in the Love Dare department but I had to pucker up and head out to BBC. Quite a few friends are concerned about my roller coaster week that they are urging me to go to counselling as I shouldn't have to walk this road alone. Thank you all for your prayers, I need them all. Please don't stop. Keeping my emotions in check I managed to have some fruitful dialogue with a few friends at BBC. Here is Leon with his wife Ursula and one of their many children, Courtney. I could do with a little good news so here is my good news at the end of a stressful week. This blog is ranked at 71 by reads on the Top 100 list of Amatomu, the South Africa blogsphere, sorted.
The words from a Peter Gabriel's song are ringing in my head, "No fight left or so it seems. I am a man whose dreams have all deserted", as I spent the morning with Matthew walking through a giant maze. The Elemental Maze in Honeydew was exciting and Matt and I had to find clues, riddles and animals as we wind our way though the labyrinth. Lost in a maze with no thought of finding my way out was an astonishing idea but Matthew was so energized that I realise that I have to find my way, if not for me, for him. I have to learn to dream again.
As dawn broke over Johannesburg, I wondered how quickly this week flew. How quickly my world was torn apart. Will it ever be put back together again? Nearly twelve years have gone and I wonder what happened. As I sadly put my head down in my hands, I catch a glimpse of the sun peeping between the old buildings of Joubert Park, bringing life to the old.
It is only Day Two and I already just want to give up. Last night there felt such an oppressive spirit over the house. This morning I left so grotty and did not even feel like doing some work at Metrorail. What is to become of me? I just want to wrap myself with bubble wrap. But I think that is what I have done. I have been distracted with the fascinating job of popping bubbles that I have not seen the storm coming. I have an entrenched belief that this is not supposed to happen to a Christian, but yet bad things happen to good people. Don’t get me wrong I am not perfect. Bubble wrap did not do a good job of protecting me. “I hand it all over to you, Lord; I cannot do this by myself.”
My life is in a mess but today’s dare is patient. While I am writing this I had this tested again not for the first time. I am not sure I am going to make it, not that it is difficult but my patient is being stretched. So far so good. Okay I am not sure what this is but it comes from top of the old Metrorail elevators. If anyone thinks they know please comment.
Yesterday I was very emotional, today although the emotions are still just below the surface, I am feeling angry. Yes, angry at myself for letting it get this far without seeing it coming and angry at the group that has ganged up. I didn't know that she had crossed the line until she was on the other side. I need help to forgive, not feel bitter and somehow get my smile back.
It is always darkest before the dawn but I cannot notice with my eyes screwed shut. The only light is you Matthew. I love you Matt. I never meant this to happen. My eyes were shut when they meant to have been open. I am so sorry. I will do my best to fix it, if it is not too late. Please forgive me if I can't. I love you.
I don't have much to say today other than I am free falling out of control and it seems too late to pull the ripcord. Anyway here is Nyasha, Shangirai (her brother) and Moses (her husband) at BBC this morning. If you think my problems are big, think again, Moses had a brain tumour which was miraculously healed some time ago but now has reappeared. We need to hold him up in our prayers. About me, well I am still free falling, out of control and can't pull the ripcord by myself. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Matthew and I went to see Ice Age 3 today at Fourways Mall. Look, who are we kidding, Matt, that is Rudy, a Suchomimus with rather big teeth and foul breath.
I don’t actually know where I am at. I am feeling down yet at the same time lost. Today at Metrorail I am kept busy so busy that I didn’t have time to think yet the old trade unionist song keeps playing in my head. “My father was a garden boy, that is why I am a communist”. No don’t get me wrong I am no communist, the song is just catchy. The work and the ditty kept my mind off all my issues. It must have been cold outside because Sibongile came in all dressed for winter and a warm smile but that still did not distract my mind from the deep quagmire I find myself in.
Tembinkosi’s Memorial Service was held at the old dilapidated Braamfontein Sanatorium. Here was a building that was built for the treatment of chronic diseases but itself had become run down and looking worse for wear. I am assuming that it must have been a sanatorium once upon a time, hence the name and it even looked like it was converted to a theatre sometime in its past with the screen and projector room. It was here at this musty smelling place that we gathered to remember the life of our colleague. There was strange aura in this sick building but we had come to break the bounds of death and to celebrate life, life in the fullest. The service started off depressive but as more people arrived, life started to flow. With feet stomping in rhythm on the ancient wooden floor and African harmony bellowing through the rafters, the life of Tembinkosi was remembered.
The atmosphere around our department remained heavy with some heavy discussions about where the memorial will be held. Our section held a meeting all morning in connection with the future intranet. Looking out of the glass panels of the boardroom I could see the heated discussion going on. Before our all morning meeting started I slipped up to Marthinus’ office to get the latest 3D software to play with.
One of our colleagues, Thembinkosi, passed away last Friday after a sudden illness. I did not know much about him as he sat on the opposite side of an open plan office and just about kept to himself. What is bugging me is that I did not know him. Discussing the memorial service this morning I raised the question “Was he a Christian?” Well it was a good question in regards to the memorial service but it is rather late to find this out. What would people ask about me one day? Does the person sitting in the same office as me know where I stand on certain issues? Do they know me? I was so exhausted by the time I got home that I just crashed. I was still feeling this heaviness when I went to home group this evening. I don’t think anyone picked my stillness up. The topic this evening was persistent prayer and I just sat there just listening and wondered how many times I just gave up. Well it is time I head for bed. Here is a much lighter photograph from this evening during tea showing Karen and Tracy.
Yes Monday and back to Metrorail in the cold winter but with some exciting hot ideas about applications for next year’s World Cup that are coming through. ICT want to move ahead and not wait for some other departments who normally wake up at the last minute. If I am still here at Metrorail, then it will be exciting times ahead. Here is Leon with José in the background towards the end of a heavy Monday.
It is a cold day but still a few brave Italian Greyhounds, six in number, ventured out to the park. There weren’t many dogs around but they gave chase to radio controlled cars which gave them plenty of exercise. Trying to get a photo of them all at once was not easy but here is Pip, Patch and a pit-bull terrier puppy smelling something while Maxy just wants to play.
Carol is at a Spa for the weekend, Matthew at his sister and Stephen at his friend which means I am home alone for the entire weekend. Uhmmm! What can I do? Well after breakfast with all my friends at the men’s group I went off to Pretoria on Sophia, my Vespa, to visit Anthony, my brother, shown above. The day started great with clear skies but it seems that a cold front came over half way to Pretoria which means that it got a wee bit cold. But that didn’t stop us. Anthony and I got on our bikes and rode around Pretoria finally ending up at my cousin Roberts place in Garsfontein for hot coffee and crumpets.
Today is a sad day. I took Sophia into the Vespa dealership for a checkup as the symptoms similar to the ones from a month ago are starting to reoccur. At first they could not find anything wrong but after deeper inspection they found something which they never seen before. The bush in the reduction gearbox was not fitting correctly to this shaft. It was meant to be loose not tight as we found it. They tried a new bush but that too did not fit. Now they are deciding what my options are. Order a new shaft or send it to the engineers. Anyway Sophia is put back together and she is good as new but they say that it is just a matter of time. One good thing about today is that I got to test ride a Vespa GTS300 Super with a sport exhaust. I want one but back to reality. I must learn to accept that some days I am the pigeon and other days I am the statue.
I had to shoot to a meeting in Pretoria about the merging of the two intranets of Metrorail (Tshwane and Wits). So while there I took the opportunity to take a photograph the Gautrain Pretoria Terminus since I post the Braamfontein one. Not much to see other than new viaducts but they seem to be far behind the rest of the line and from what I can gather from reports that the Dolomite rock formation in the region between Centurion and Pretoria is causing headaches. (Okay those powers that be that read these posts, I am still waiting for my invite to view the Gautrain up close and personal).
It is the start of this month and I am uncertain about my contract at Metrorail. I think that it will go to the tender board on the 15 July. After that it all becomes all hazy. Like the new bus system that needs to be ready for 2010, it is uncertain as news of upcoming taxi strikes reaches our ears. In today’s photo the sun has just risen over the Gautrain Terminus in Braamfontein and is trying the heat up a chilly winter morning.
Thank goodness it is the weekend but it has been a busy day. Tomorrow Metrorail is having a Women’s Day function at the Ubuntu Kraal in Soweto. I have so much to finish before then and no time for rest. Here are few of the students who started this month at Metrorail. From left to right Brian, Thanyani, Mbulelo (behind), Mzwandile, Amukelani and Mamateboho.
Wow what heavy few weeks. Things are improving ever so slowly. It was good to just put my guard down today and relax with my colleagues at Metrorail. Here is José, Calvin and Masilo with some students enjoying a good laugh.
I am so tried today that I am struggling to do work. No energy but have so much to do. Metrorail Intranet merge by Friday, Woman's Day graphics by tomorrow, Healthbridge newsletter by Friday and Wetpaint website needs something to be shown to them. By ten ‘o clock I was finished. I better get my life sorted soon. I had to go to the fifth Floor today to get briefed on the Woman’s Day function this Saturday so here is Gloria, Siphokazi's personal assistant.
Johannesburg has been trashed again by the striking municipal workers. Things are getting better on the home front but the stress of it all is taking its toll. At our home cell group Francis and Emmelinah were feeling cold but I was falling asleep due to stress and simply the lack of sleep.
My mind keeps replying the events and the time leading up to them over and over again. It is making me so angry that I want to take matters into my own hands and not leave it up to God. Don’t get me wrong I feel that God is working in us and is turning things around but it is so hard. Beryl said I might be suffering from post traumatic stress and she might be right as I went shopping for supper at Pick ‘n Pay and found myself lost and just wanted to sit down right there in the fruit and veg section. My mind is like today’s photo, a mess. The Municipal Workers Union went on strike today for better wages and ended upturning all the rubbish bins.
The miracle that I have been holding onto has started happening. As in Psalm 145 I "… will tell of the power your awesome works" because God met me "… at the proper time." Today is also our Twelfth Wedding Anniversary and we popped in to see Carol's mom, then went to the Barnyard Theatre to see the "LM Radio – A Trip Down Memory Lane" show. LM Radio was a radio station based in Lourenço Marques, Moçambique from the 30s to the mid 70s and broadcasted into South Africa. Carol as a teenager used to tune in and listen to the pop and rock music that was not broadcasted on the government owned and operated stations at the time.
Well today is Day 11, Love Cherishes and it did not start well but I think the chance of a miracle has increase 10,000 fold by end of the day. God is moving and nothing is going to stop Him. We ended the day at Leon and Ursula's place to watch the Springboks beat the All Blacks at the start of the Tri-Nations.
I stayed at home today because it is not going well but I am trying to understand that love is unconditional. When our reasons for loving gradually disappear then the basis for love is over. BUT love CAN last a lifetime when it IS unconditional. In other words love is not determined by the being loved but by rather choosing to love. The flip side of this is when someone says that they have fallen out of love with their other half then they are actually saying that they never loved unconditionally. With all my faults what I want is that I am able to love unconditionally and I can't do it without the example God gave. Not easy words this but here goes.
The ICT department had our monthly meeting up in Pretoria again. Wits and Tshwane take turns to hosting the departmental meeting. So we caught the Tshwane Business Express to Pretoria. Before leaving I took the opportunity to chat to the driver and sit in the driver's seat of TBE1.
I am trying to keep busy to keep my mind off the things that have gone south. Why do I keep feeling that I am in a Kentucky shuffle? I had to pop into one of my clients after Metrorail this afternoon for some computer support. So here is Dave, my client and I am his computer support guy.
Wow it is getting harder and harder. I want to believe the best but what I am seeing it is not good. The further I try the more impossible it seems. I just cannot do this on my own. Back at Metrorail things are getting back to normal after last week’s bout of hay fever. Here is Theo explaining what next in his repairing of a PC. I wish relationships was as simple as this.
Monday, Day Six, has been bit of up and down emotionally but I am doing my best to get back to level flight. Matt my best may not be good enough but I am trying. Anyway work has being banging on my door for the last week or two so I need to start focusing on paying the bills. Here is Annah, our Admin lady in the ICT department at Metrorail. She is 29 weeks pregnant and already she is huge. I asked her if she is expecting twins and she jokingly reply more. Well many true words are said in jest.
Not successful in the Love Dare department but I had to pucker up and head out to BBC. Quite a few friends are concerned about my roller coaster week that they are urging me to go to counselling as I shouldn't have to walk this road alone. Thank you all for your prayers, I need them all. Please don't stop. Keeping my emotions in check I managed to have some fruitful dialogue with a few friends at BBC. Here is Leon with his wife Ursula and one of their many children, Courtney. I could do with a little good news so here is my good news at the end of a stressful week. This blog is ranked at 71 by reads on the Top 100 list of Amatomu, the South Africa blogsphere, sorted.
The words from a Peter Gabriel's song are ringing in my head, "No fight left or so it seems. I am a man whose dreams have all deserted", as I spent the morning with Matthew walking through a giant maze. The Elemental Maze in Honeydew was exciting and Matt and I had to find clues, riddles and animals as we wind our way though the labyrinth. Lost in a maze with no thought of finding my way out was an astonishing idea but Matthew was so energized that I realise that I have to find my way, if not for me, for him. I have to learn to dream again.
As dawn broke over Johannesburg, I wondered how quickly this week flew. How quickly my world was torn apart. Will it ever be put back together again? Nearly twelve years have gone and I wonder what happened. As I sadly put my head down in my hands, I catch a glimpse of the sun peeping between the old buildings of Joubert Park, bringing life to the old.
It is only Day Two and I already just want to give up. Last night there felt such an oppressive spirit over the house. This morning I left so grotty and did not even feel like doing some work at Metrorail. What is to become of me? I just want to wrap myself with bubble wrap. But I think that is what I have done. I have been distracted with the fascinating job of popping bubbles that I have not seen the storm coming. I have an entrenched belief that this is not supposed to happen to a Christian, but yet bad things happen to good people. Don’t get me wrong I am not perfect. Bubble wrap did not do a good job of protecting me. “I hand it all over to you, Lord; I cannot do this by myself.”
My life is in a mess but today’s dare is patient. While I am writing this I had this tested again not for the first time. I am not sure I am going to make it, not that it is difficult but my patient is being stretched. So far so good. Okay I am not sure what this is but it comes from top of the old Metrorail elevators. If anyone thinks they know please comment.
Yesterday I was very emotional, today although the emotions are still just below the surface, I am feeling angry. Yes, angry at myself for letting it get this far without seeing it coming and angry at the group that has ganged up. I didn't know that she had crossed the line until she was on the other side. I need help to forgive, not feel bitter and somehow get my smile back.
It is always darkest before the dawn but I cannot notice with my eyes screwed shut. The only light is you Matthew. I love you Matt. I never meant this to happen. My eyes were shut when they meant to have been open. I am so sorry. I will do my best to fix it, if it is not too late. Please forgive me if I can't. I love you.
I don't have much to say today other than I am free falling out of control and it seems too late to pull the ripcord. Anyway here is Nyasha, Shangirai (her brother) and Moses (her husband) at BBC this morning. If you think my problems are big, think again, Moses had a brain tumour which was miraculously healed some time ago but now has reappeared. We need to hold him up in our prayers. About me, well I am still free falling, out of control and can't pull the ripcord by myself. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Matthew and I went to see Ice Age 3 today at Fourways Mall. Look, who are we kidding, Matt, that is Rudy, a Suchomimus with rather big teeth and foul breath.
I don’t actually know where I am at. I am feeling down yet at the same time lost. Today at Metrorail I am kept busy so busy that I didn’t have time to think yet the old trade unionist song keeps playing in my head. “My father was a garden boy, that is why I am a communist”. No don’t get me wrong I am no communist, the song is just catchy. The work and the ditty kept my mind off all my issues. It must have been cold outside because Sibongile came in all dressed for winter and a warm smile but that still did not distract my mind from the deep quagmire I find myself in.
Tembinkosi’s Memorial Service was held at the old dilapidated Braamfontein Sanatorium. Here was a building that was built for the treatment of chronic diseases but itself had become run down and looking worse for wear. I am assuming that it must have been a sanatorium once upon a time, hence the name and it even looked like it was converted to a theatre sometime in its past with the screen and projector room. It was here at this musty smelling place that we gathered to remember the life of our colleague. There was strange aura in this sick building but we had come to break the bounds of death and to celebrate life, life in the fullest. The service started off depressive but as more people arrived, life started to flow. With feet stomping in rhythm on the ancient wooden floor and African harmony bellowing through the rafters, the life of Tembinkosi was remembered.
The atmosphere around our department remained heavy with some heavy discussions about where the memorial will be held. Our section held a meeting all morning in connection with the future intranet. Looking out of the glass panels of the boardroom I could see the heated discussion going on. Before our all morning meeting started I slipped up to Marthinus’ office to get the latest 3D software to play with.
One of our colleagues, Thembinkosi, passed away last Friday after a sudden illness. I did not know much about him as he sat on the opposite side of an open plan office and just about kept to himself. What is bugging me is that I did not know him. Discussing the memorial service this morning I raised the question “Was he a Christian?” Well it was a good question in regards to the memorial service but it is rather late to find this out. What would people ask about me one day? Does the person sitting in the same office as me know where I stand on certain issues? Do they know me? I was so exhausted by the time I got home that I just crashed. I was still feeling this heaviness when I went to home group this evening. I don’t think anyone picked my stillness up. The topic this evening was persistent prayer and I just sat there just listening and wondered how many times I just gave up. Well it is time I head for bed. Here is a much lighter photograph from this evening during tea showing Karen and Tracy.
Yes Monday and back to Metrorail in the cold winter but with some exciting hot ideas about applications for next year’s World Cup that are coming through. ICT want to move ahead and not wait for some other departments who normally wake up at the last minute. If I am still here at Metrorail, then it will be exciting times ahead. Here is Leon with José in the background towards the end of a heavy Monday.
It is a cold day but still a few brave Italian Greyhounds, six in number, ventured out to the park. There weren’t many dogs around but they gave chase to radio controlled cars which gave them plenty of exercise. Trying to get a photo of them all at once was not easy but here is Pip, Patch and a pit-bull terrier puppy smelling something while Maxy just wants to play.
Carol is at a Spa for the weekend, Matthew at his sister and Stephen at his friend which means I am home alone for the entire weekend. Uhmmm! What can I do? Well after breakfast with all my friends at the men’s group I went off to Pretoria on Sophia, my Vespa, to visit Anthony, my brother, shown above. The day started great with clear skies but it seems that a cold front came over half way to Pretoria which means that it got a wee bit cold. But that didn’t stop us. Anthony and I got on our bikes and rode around Pretoria finally ending up at my cousin Roberts place in Garsfontein for hot coffee and crumpets.
Today is a sad day. I took Sophia into the Vespa dealership for a checkup as the symptoms similar to the ones from a month ago are starting to reoccur. At first they could not find anything wrong but after deeper inspection they found something which they never seen before. The bush in the reduction gearbox was not fitting correctly to this shaft. It was meant to be loose not tight as we found it. They tried a new bush but that too did not fit. Now they are deciding what my options are. Order a new shaft or send it to the engineers. Anyway Sophia is put back together and she is good as new but they say that it is just a matter of time. One good thing about today is that I got to test ride a Vespa GTS300 Super with a sport exhaust. I want one but back to reality. I must learn to accept that some days I am the pigeon and other days I am the statue.
I had to shoot to a meeting in Pretoria about the merging of the two intranets of Metrorail (Tshwane and Wits). So while there I took the opportunity to take a photograph the Gautrain Pretoria Terminus since I post the Braamfontein one. Not much to see other than new viaducts but they seem to be far behind the rest of the line and from what I can gather from reports that the Dolomite rock formation in the region between Centurion and Pretoria is causing headaches. (Okay those powers that be that read these posts, I am still waiting for my invite to view the Gautrain up close and personal).
It is the start of this month and I am uncertain about my contract at Metrorail. I think that it will go to the tender board on the 15 July. After that it all becomes all hazy. Like the new bus system that needs to be ready for 2010, it is uncertain as news of upcoming taxi strikes reaches our ears. In today’s photo the sun has just risen over the Gautrain Terminus in Braamfontein and is trying the heat up a chilly winter morning.