Friday, 11 May 2018

Soul Food

This is not an easy post to write. News on Carol is not good. I picked up Matthew from his Uni in Pretoria and took him down to see his mom. From the reports I received, she has had a stroke and was not doing well so now here we are, Matthew and I, standing next to her bed at the hospital. Carol is unresponsive, she is wearing and oxygen mask and is staring into nothing.

Staring into nothing, I have seen this before, the abyss is a dark place to be in and I once found Carol in this exact place, staring into nothing. Oh how I hate bi-polar. It is a condition that has stricken Carol a long time ago and researching up on bi-polar, I was determined that it would not break up our family against what the stats were saying. I hopelessly failed. I failed Carol. I failed Matthew. I failed God. I failed myself. I failed. I failed period. I hate bi-polar. And now I find myself standing next to her hospital bed with Matthew by my side.

Once I woke up sometime during the night and Carol was gone, I found her sitting in the passage on the floor staring into the nothingness. That time I managed to get her back from the edge and she said that she was on her way to the kitchen for something, got halfway and released that she forgot why she was going to the kitchen, so sat right down to think. Hours later, I found her in that same place, just staring into nothing. Just like she is now but I am not sure with the stroke that we can get her back. Did I say how much I hate bi-polar.

A phone rang somewhere in the ward. "Look Matthew, her eyes blinked", yes Carol reacted and moved trying to see where the sound was coming from. Her eyes found Matthew and fixed onto him, but when he moved, she continued staring into that nothing. Both Matthew and I, finally left her bedside as empty vessels. Nothing to say to each other but I put my arm around him. I worry about him as he is emotionless. Maybe all these years of looking after his mom has taken its toil on him. Maybe he is just bottling it all up. Oh my Matthew, I am so sorry.

We ended up at the only place that serves Matthew and my soul food, sushi. At first we just sat there, the sushi conveyor was not really fill of our favourite so we just sat as it went round and round. The waiter was somehow slow or maybe we weren't altogether there but finally we had to get our lives back on track so we ordered salmon handrolls to start followed by californian fashion sandwiches. After filling up our rice stomachs, I drove Matthew back to his mom's place. He stared out to the few stars that were strong enough to break through the evening's gloom and he mumbled that he wishes that he was out there among the stars away from all these earthly troubles. After dropping Matthew off at his mom's empty townhouse, I drove home late in the evening with this nothingness hanging over me. I hate bi-polar along with the likes of the mosquito. I wrestled with God on my lonely drive back home. Why would he make such things, things like bi-polar and mosquitoes. Why?  

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