Sunday, 20 May 2018

Deceiving Desert

In the early winter sun, I sat on the cold step outside Centre Church, and before me stretched an expanse of astroturf at my feet. With my head down soaking up the little warmth, I noticed movement. Yes there was this ant in this expanse of falseness battling to make his way. Was this little fella lost like me? Surely there is nothing of nutritional value in the plastic grass. (If you look carefully you can see the ant in this photo. No? Well how about I zoom in for you.)

Staring at this ant, my thoughts started wondering about the last few weeks. A week ago my thought at the time was that we should put earphones on Carol and play the old hymns that she grew up with, songs that she held dear to her heart. And now she is gone to be with the Lord, resting at His feet. She always grappled with the issue of her disability and now she can ask Him directly and she can find peace so that it can be well with her soul.

The ant has moved on. Then why do I feel lost? I know I have to be the brave one, and Matthew can see that I am struggling even as he tries to work through his own issues. Am I the ant, up against all this same old repeating plastic grass. Nothing of nourishment here that it actually is a deceiving desert. Why has God brought me through this desert? What am I to learn?

I long for the living waters, for the life. I don't want to be a sad christian walking around all mopping, head down. I want to be the flame that attracts others to God. I want to be the hand that pulls someone into the light. I used to be so scared of singing songs to God about asking for more faith, knowing deep down what it means to let go and trust God. So now I find myself in a place that I have no more choice but to let go. So let go my soul and trust in God.

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